… and nothing much has changed unfortunately, although instead of blogging I keep a hand written journal these days. Honestly, I don’t know why I am revisiting this poor, old neglected blog, but I am here anyway.

So, is there any news that I can share with this blog? Hmmm. Well, following another hospitalisation towards the end of 2008, I now have a new dx … DID apparently, along with a bunch of other labels I can’t remember off the top of my head. I would need to take another look at the letter that was exchanged between pdocs. I don’t know if I entirely agree with the DID dx. I think I want a 3rd opinion (Kinda funny given who the pdoc was who finally slapped the dx on me … I mean dissociative disorders are his THING … and I have a suspicion that he was waiting since the very first time I saw him years ago for things to manifest so to speak). For better or worse, my head seems to be doing its darnest to agree with his dx. I’m exhausted and haven’t got a bloody clue who I am these days. Its just too damn changeable.

Bah, I’m lost for words now. I may be back, or I may not be. Can only wait and see I guess.

Current Mood: Blank

Arrived home from a six week hospital stay last night. I may write about it later … not sure. I’m at a loss at the moment because I don’t know what I should be doing. I guess I should slowly start integrating myself back into normal life but … meh, whatever. Time will tell, I guess.

Current Mood: Dumbstruck

I don’t know what to think of this.

Earlier tonight I received a phone call from one of the journalists from the newspaper I take photos for asking me if I could work this weekend. No problems, right? I’m not well, but I am feeling better than I was feeling last weekend when I was so dissociated that I didn’t even know who I was or where I was for a time there. Anyway, the journalist asked how I was feeling which was innocent enough because I couldn’t work last weekend. From there, though, things got a little strange.

I answered her query regarding my health with words to the effect of I was feeling a little better. She then asked if I was getting treatment for “it”. “Umm, okay,” I thought, “That’s a bit of a weird question.” I ran with it anyway, despite not knowing what she was really referring to, answering in the affirmative. The journalist then went onto say that she knew how full-on it could be.

Now, like I said, I am not well and, as such, my brain is not functioning at it’s highest or quickest capacity. I let the above conversation slide into what job was on this weekend, what time it was on and what photos the newspaper wanted. It wasn’t until after the conversation was over and I had hung up the phone that I started to fully wonder what the hell had just taken place.

What part of my illness from last weekend was the journalist referring to? What did she think I was suffering from last weekend? My husband and I certainly hadn’t said anything last weekend when we had spoken with staff from the newspaper saying that I was sick and wouldn’t be able to work. We had just said that I was feeling ill and couldn’t work … end of story.

What the hell do the people from the newspaper know? Has some random person said something to them about my mental health issues? They are my employers for goodness sake, and while there is nothing to be ashamed of regarding my mental health or lack thereof sometimes, it’s certainly not any of the newspaper’s business.

So, in essence, I am feeling a little paranoid. Is it something to be concerned about? I suppose not. However, who the heck has been talking to who? I understand that knowing someone with mental health issues can be a little full-on sometimes. I put my friends and husband through some shit last weekend due to how I was feeling and my weird actions, let me tell you. My husband wouldn’t say anything to anyone though. Heck, he wouldn’t even discuss what happened last weekend with my best friend in this town. My best friend would have only debriefed, if needed, with someone I trust to keep everything confidential. The other set of friends who were there last weekend when I flipped out in front of them don’t really understand mental health issues, so I don’t think they would have said anything much.

The only other person who had dealings with me last weekend rang me up when I was self harming and totally out of it. At the time, I automatically answered the phone … stupid me … I usually check the caller id before I answer telephone calls, but was too out of it at the time and just picked up the phone … which resulted in the friend virtually flying around to my place. She saw the blood. She was freaked out by the fact that I couldn’t respond to her talking to me because I was so dissociated.

Would she have said anything to anybody though? Maybe? She might have needed to debrief after the incident and spoke with a friend of hers or something. I don’t know any of her other friends though. I don’t know if they are trustworthy. I don’t know what has happened.

Meh! What does it matter in the grand scheme of things? Probably nothing at all. What does it matter if any rumours are running around this small town of mine regarding the state of my head? I’m a private person, so I probably won’t come up against any of the rumours personally, if there are any rumours at all. It’s just that the only full-time job available in this town for the newspaper has been advertised as vacant and I was considering applying for it. Will I even get a look in for the job if the newspaper knows this about me? Do they even know? Here’s that paranoia again.

What right do I have even thinking about applying for a job with more hours than the two I am currently working? Is taking on the extra job last month the reason why I am struggling with dissociation so much over the past week and a half?

Fuck, who cares? I think I am doing me head in.

Current Mood: Sick

I’ve taken on so many different forms today that I’m no longer sure which one is the right one.

Current Mood: Hot

I can’t seem to shake these blues lately or, for that matter, the strong feeling of wanting to just disso out for a good long while. It’s playing havoc on my ability to leave the house. I really have to psych myself up for it as it is the last thing I want to do. These sensations have been making it very difficult for me to complete my work on the weekends. I guess my saving grace in regards to the whole work thing is that this fake personality seems to take over when I am out and about taking photos. Although I can sometimes feel uncomfortable about the fake personality taking over, at least it enables me to approach people to take their photographs and, if I happen to strike a mean drunk which is a rare but unfortunately a real possibility, their comments are like water off a duck’s back for that moment in time.

Having said all that though, there was one thing I had to do for work the weekend just gone which had the potential to be enjoyable if I wasn’t in the middle of such a funk; that being driving around the nearby communities taking photos of the businesses and houses that are involved in this year’s local council Christmas lights competition. In the spirit of Christmas and with the hope that it will cheer me up a little, I’ve decided to post some of the photos I took. So here goes … Christmas lights central Queensland style:

Happy holidays everyone!

Current Mood: Blank

GBF warned me that this week had the potential to be an absolute shocker astrologically speaking … something about Jupiter’s position … and, at least for today, he appeared to be right on the money. I woke up feeling desperately down and not wanting to move, but dragged myself out of the house to quickly visit the local newsagency to buy a newspaper and a couple of puzzle magazines. After returning home and binging on some not-so-healthy cakes I bought at the bakery next door to the newsagency (so much for giving hubby a yummy cream bun in his crib tomorrow), I headed straight back to the bedroom, turned the fan on to assist the ailing air-conditioner and moved from that spot as little as humanly possible for the rest of the day. This evening I had to leave the house again to visit Woolies to buy some food for hubby’s crib for his day shift tomorrow, but I was so disorientated and clumsy that I was like an alzhiemers patient trying to walk through thick mud. I feel so bloody dissociated. I am one step from completely retreating into myself and sitting there unable to move or communicate with the outside world. Thank goodness for journals/blogs. At least I can type through these feelings and sensations; an ability for which I will be forever grateful.

Anyway, time for some good news I suppose. Although I was originally unsuccessful with the job interview I had back at the end of October, it turns out that I have been offered a job with the company after all. Actually, it is the same job I applied for; the part-time receptionist position. Although I was second on their list of initial candidates, the original receptionist who was on the interview panel recently gave her notice. I guess the person who pipped me at the post for the part-time receptionist position has now moved up to the main receptionist position and I get to take over the part-time position. I start early in the new year and will work on Tuesdays and Thursdays which suits me down to the tee. Now if I can just keep this mental health shit at bay, I will be laughing.

Current Mood: Sad

Since uploading my “Think Pink Fashion Extravaganza” video to YouTube the other day, I’ve been doing a little surfing through some of the other videos that are hosted by the service. I stumbled upon a short animated gem called “Cat Man Do” from Tandem Films. I can’t seem to work out how to embed the video in this post, so I’ll just give the URL to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmwqpHsMExg. Check it out! It’s really quite amusing, and cute too.

Also from the same company is a shorter video extract from another of their animated films, “Little Things”. Like “Cat Man Do”, it features a person and their cat. It really tickled my funny bone. You can find the little film here: http://chillibean.net/perl/reels-10.0.pl?xhtml=JDCKVPPL&%3bT=WL.

Now, there is another reason for this post. This morning I had my interview for the part-time receptionist position at the local physiotherapist’s rooms. I was happy enough with the interview in the sense that I performed as well as I could throughout it. Out of the three people who sat on the interview panel, I liked the current receptionist the most, which is a good thing considering that if I was successful in gaining the position I would be working closely with her. I’m not quite sure what I thought of the physiotherapist herself as she seemed a little devoid of personality. The practice manager from the main office in Semi Big Smoke seemed nice enough. I guess what I am trying to say is, after the interview, I’m not really concerned if I get the job or not. I think it would be a reasonable sort of place to work in, however I don’t think it would be the best job I ever had. Either way, I’m not fussed. If I’m offered the job, then the extra money will be good. If I am not offered the job then, “Oh well … better luck next time.”

To finish off this post, I want to write about my day in general. Yep, here comes the crazy talk! I felt really off today. To be honest, for the first time in ages I think I was a little disso-y. Things just didn’t seem right, if you know what I mean. I saw fleeting images of gawd knows what out of the corner of my eye a few times throughout the day. To top that off, my mood was quiet depressed for most of the day. All in all, it was a crappy day and I am glad that the end of it is not that far away.