I couldn’t wait any longer. The WordPress theme I purchased from a blog design company at the end of September still hasn’t been finished so I decided to go ahead and create my own with help from WordPress Diva’s Ultimate Diva Sandbox theme and a nifty little book on creating you own WordPress themes by John Godley. I must admit that the theme I made is reminiscent of the theme I purchased from the blog design company but, fuck it, I paid for the bloody thing and to date have only received a version of it where the sidebar slips down to the bottom of the page and the promise that it will be fixed so I think I am well within my rights to use some basic design ideas from it.

This new theme is more “me” than the one I was using previously, as nice as it was. I prefer a cleaner, less flashy design. Not to mention that it took me a whole day and a half to get my new theme to the stage it is now, so I am pretty proud of my hard work. There are a few little design nuances that I would like to tinker with to make this design perfect in my eyes, but I will get to that at some future stage. No rush.

Anyway, I’m happy to report that the increased dose of Seroquel seems to be doing it’s trick. Since going back to the 300mg a night instead of the 100mg, I have been experiencing less depressive thoughts and I have been able to concentrate a whole lot better. I even did a whole day’s work on my TAFE assignments the other day and, of course, I have been able to spend hours on end in front of the computer working on this new WordPress theme. Phew! What a relief! Let’s hope that the good continues.

To be truthful to myself, I’m still struggling. It’s funny. Every time I mess with the dosages of my crazy meds, I feel better for a short time but then I seem to crash again. Like, when I first went off them, I felt great for a short time before slipping down into the abyss again and when I went back on my full dose of Lexapro I felt nice and stable for a short while, but then I started teetering at the edge of that damn, all-encompassing abyss. I’m once again at the stage where I prefer to be in bed sleeping or if I am awake I can’t move from the couch, where I’m waking up in the mornings only to wish that I hadn’t, where trying to do even the simplest of chores is a massive effort and where I do not want to have to leave the house to interact with people.

So, as of last night I’ve decided to go back on my full dose of Seroquel … the 300mg a night. I’m hoping that by increasing the dosage to what I used to be on before I tried to get off all my crazy meds, it will give me some relief from the constant depressive thoughts. I’m hoping that I will have enough energy and concentration to do the things that I should be doing … TAFE work being the most important … there’s only one month left in the term.

So, here’s hoping that things will improve enough for me to function on a day-to-day basis again, at least inside the home if not outside. After all, miracles are incredibly hard to come by.

And a final note to myself regarding the whole medication thing … never, ever mess with them again!! You’ve put yourself through the damn ringer over the past few months for no reason whatsoever! Trust that your pdoc knows what he is doing!

As I mentioned in a previous post, I recently contacted my pdoc in between appointments to see if/how I could go back on my crazy meds. We only spoke very briefly over the telephone but the result of the conversation was that I started back on the Lexapro a few nights ago. I took one 20mg tablet for a couple of nights. Tonight I went back up to my original dose of two 20mg tablets. I’m still only taking the one Seroquel tablet a night to help with the sleep thing and I haven’t gone back on the small dose of Solian I was taking before I decided to give the medication the flick.

I can’t wait until all my neurons are happily saturated in serotonin again (or whatever the heck Lexapro does to help alleviate the symptoms of depression). I guess I was a little on the naive side when I thought I would feel better if I gave up the medication. It certainly didn’t turn out that way. After close to two months of stepping down the medications and then stopping them altogether (apart from the Seroquel/sleep thing), I just couldn’t take the instability, intense sadness, exhaustion and uncontrollable crankiness anymore. Saturate neurons, saturate! Time to give the instability, sadness, exhaustion and crankiness the flick so I can function again.

Anyway, I am feeling really let down, disappointed and even a little angry with someone at the moment. I guess I expected a little too much from this individual. I guess I thought he would empathic to my situation. From the outset of our friendship, I let my wall crumble too quickly and, as a result, shared far too much with him. This past week though, he has shown what appear to be his true colours. His mannerisms have changed. His little, seemingly offhanded comments have become judgemental and more than a little hurtful. I am kind of shocked by this. I thought he was better than this. Although I have seen him use his snide remarks against others, it didn’t occur to me that I would one day fall victim to them as well. *Sigh* Another lesson learnt I guess. Let’s hope that I will actually learn from this and not be so quick to trust someone again. The whole taking friendships too seriously thing has been a flaw of mine since day dot and I need to not do it again.

I’m beginning to wonder if the extreme tiredness that I have been feeling of late is due to me stopping all my crazy meds (apart from the 100mg of Seroquel at night for sleep). Without going back through my journal and blog entries, I’m not quite sure how long it’s been since I have taken any Lexapro or Solian. At a rough guess I would imagine that its been at least a couple of weeks. Is that the length of time I have been feeling so worn out?

I can hardly begin to describe how tired I have been feeling. I am completely exhausted. It’s like some sort of energy sucking parasite has attached itself to me. I don’t think I have ever felt so physically drained before. Like I have mentioned in previous posts, all that I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. The times that I am up and doing things, like now, I feel nothing short of strange. It’s almost like I have a flu or something, without the flu-like symptoms of a runny nose or cough. I’m light-headed, to the point where I have to lie down at times otherwise I just feel ill.

I’m not 100% sure what I want to do about this yet. Do I wait for my next pdoc appointment and discuss these “symptoms” with him? The appointment is not until the end of the month. I don’t think there is much use making an appointment to see my local GP. It’s not like I am actually ill with anything medically speaking. I’ve even thought about ringing the public mental health mob (after hours so I actually get to speak to someone who knows a bit about medication, like a nurse or something) to ask them if this is a normal occurence from coming off crazy meds and all I have to do is wait it out until the “symptoms” run their course and I feel normal again.

Ahhh, I dunno. I guess I will just wait and see how things go. Surely I have to start feeling better soon. It can’t last forever. At least by writing this post I will remember to discuss it with my pdoc during our next appointment if it is still an issue.

Last night I actually slept without the aid of Seroquel. How about that! Okay, well, it was an incredibly short sleep (maybe four hours) but it was a good sleep … no tossing or turning at all. Oh, and yeah, I still feel tired this morning but ya get that. I guess there is just no pleasing me. *smiles*