Current Mood: Annoyed

I’m being driven totally crazy. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!!!!!

Photo from stock.xchng

Current Mood: Meh!

Wake in a sweat again
Another day’s been laid to waist
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I’ll never leave this place
There’s no escape
I’m my own worst enemy

I’ve given up
I’m sick of living
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away
I’m suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me

I don’t know what to take
Thought I was focused but I’m scared
I’m not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And you don’t care

Put me out of my misery

What I have learnt today/recently:

• Being the weekend photographer for the local rag is good and all, but fuck it takes a lot out of me. I’ve been all disso-y since the weekend. Today has been particularly bad. I’ve no idea how I managed to drive to Rocky and back without killing myself and some other poor road user.
• The new Linkin Park CD, Minutes to Midnight, is fucking brilliant despite the above lyrics. I can just relate a lot to those lyrics at the moment. It’s exactly where I’m at, hence me starting this post with them.
• Australia Post takes ages to deliver parcels when you are really wanting them to arrive quickly.
• Sometimes SH’ing is the only way to stay alive.
• No matter how much I disso, the “other me” will not completely take over and give me a break. What the fuck is up with that!?! Sucks!

Well I have to say, things aren’t looking up yet. I thought that working through the weekend may have brightened my mood, but it hasn’t. I’m not sure if I am feeling depressed or numb. In reality I think it may be a combination of the two. What I do know is that I feel desperately empty and down.

As of Monday the 26th of March, everything has just gone down hill. I feel useless because I have failed my last term of TAFE work. I let my so-called illness get in the way and allowed myself to achieve nothing. I feel abandoned by the public and private mental health system in that no one seems to be able to help me or do not want to help me. I feel like I have done something to deserve this. I should be a stronger person. I should have gotten over this depression completely by now. I feel like I have become too reliant and dependent on my pdoc and that he is slowly breaking his ties with me because of this.

I’m the living proof that dysthymia lasts forever, or so it seems. It’s downtrodding symptoms are inescapable and impacts your life from go to woe.

I feel like a failure because I seem unable to do the one thing that will bring me everlasting peace, or at least I hope it would. Preparations are made along with plans, but they are discarded at the last minute.

I finally allowed myself to relent in a miniscule way yesterday. I took an extra Seroquel in the morning so that I could sleep the day away and not have to deal with it. It was a difficult thing to stop at just one but at least I got a few hours of relief from it. Today I would love to do the same thing. I have things that need to be done though … washing, ironing, shopping and cooking in order to make my husband ready for work tomorrow. I don’t want to be conscious but I have to be.

Tomorrow sees my monthly appointment with my pdoc. Thank goodness for that! However, I know he won’t understand how hard things are for me at the moment. Even if I tell him, he won’t do anything about it, nor do I know that he even should. Do I over-dramatise my situation too much? Have I allowed myself to maintain this depression for all these years? Do I even deserve assistance?

Just in case, I am going to take my prescriptions with me tomorrow when I drive into town for my appointment. I need them with me as a security blanket. I need to know that I can fill them, take a bottle of water with me and drive to the coast where I can swallow as many pills as I can while I sit in the car and watch the waves roll onto the shore. No one would even realise what was going on until it was too late.

To anyone who reads this though, don’t be distressed. I allow myself to think of these things in order to provide myself with some relief from the darkness that invades my mind. Unfortunately, I am 99% certain that I will once again turn to this little blog of mine in a few days to write some more. I will continue to exist no matter how much I don’t want to.

“My life had come to a sudden stop. I was able to breathe, to eat, to drink, to sleep. I could not indeed help doing so; but there was no real life in me.”
Leo Tolstoy
My Confession, 1887

I’m so bloody sad tonight … as teary as I get on medication. Physically, it feels as if my heart is aching. I feel like my husband would be better off without me. He deserves someone that can not only live their life but who can contribute to the family and household. I’m fearful because I have the knowledge of how to go about overdosing fatally and wish that I could use that knowledge. (I’m not actively suicidal though so don’t panic if you read this. Thoughts of dying are paramount but I’m not going to do anything about it tonight).

How did I find myself in this state? These past few days my mood has been low. I think it is because of the New Year and the fact that I can’t see 2007 being any better than the last couple of years. For goodness sake, I was diagnosed with major depression and DDNOS back in 2004! When is it going to all end? I’m sick of feeling like a piece of garbage.

What I think has made things worse tonight however, is that I stumbled across a position vacant advertisement on the Internet for an AIN over at the hospital in the next town. I briefly entertained the thought of applying for it but then all these negative thoughts came flooding into my head. I haven’t had a permanent job since mid 2004. When I re-entered the workforce for a couple of months at the end of 2005 I went through hell. I didn’t even finish the term of the contract in the census job I took on mid this year. In short, I’m terrified that I am useless. Last time I was in the permanent workforce I overdosed. I couldn’t cope with the temporary jobs I’ve had since then. What right do I have to even think about rejoining the workforce?!

But when does having the “double D’s” stop becoming an excuse to not be an active member of society? Geez, in my case it should have been two damn years ago! Depression is not a major mental illness, right? I should have been over this years ago. I should be doing more than just existing by now, surely!

Things don’t get better though, do they? I’ve lived this life on and off (mostly on) since I was 16 years old. Gawd, that is such a long time to have to cope. I’m sick of it. I am so incredibly tired.

I feel more with it today … not all disso-y like yesterday. I really don’t like this time of year though. I’m definitely feeling all scrooge-like. Bah humbug to the holiday season and its fake trees and tinsel.

It’s something about this time of year that heightens feelings of depression and, well, it sucks! A couple of people I know are really experiencing the blues in a big way at the moment and it hurts to see them this way. It’s not fair. They deserve better.

Which brings me to this town I live in. It’s small. It’s a mining town. There isn’t a whole lot to do if you are not into playing some kind of sport or drinking at the pub on a Friday night. Services are relatively limited. It feels like an insular community.

Is there something wrong with small mining towns though? This town of mine seems to suck the life out of people. It seems to suck the goodness out of people. It seems to suck the enquiring mind out of people. Is it the town’s fault? Is it that some people are not made to live in small towns?

You know, the more I think about it the more I believe that some people should not try to live their lives in a small town. In the end it will destroy them (just as it has destroyed me … *rolls eyes*). Small towns, in themselves, are not evil. Some people thrive in a small town. For the rest of us though, we need the variety that a city offers.

So, how are things to end? I wish the friends I mentioned above the best. I hope that they can soon find happiness … real happiness … the magic but illusive thing that makes life worth living. As for me, I’m afraid to say that I haven’t got the choices that my friends have. I’ll remain where I am, for better or for worse.

What can I say … another prick of a day. I had to drive hubby into the semi big smoke today (a four hour round trip) as he slept in the passenger seat because he had to work an over time shift tonight and had an appointment in town today. My mind threatened to fly away as soon as I got behind the steering wheel. It took all that I had in me to focus on the road.

While hubby was in his appointment, he wanted me to visit the bigger shopping centre in town to buy some decent ground coffee and Hungry Jacks for his lunch. It’s obvious that the Christmas shopping rush has already started because the place was filled with people and it took me what seemed to be an age to find a park.

Needless to say, by the time I had finished my chores I was ready to disso my head off. My mind was ready to completely shut down on me. Each time I stopped at a set of traffic lights, I felt myself check out. I could have easily froze, unable to move my pinky finger, let alone drive the car away from the lights.

Somehow I managed to get us home without running off the road, but tonight has been hell. I’ve sat at home alone virtually shell shocked. I’ve added to the SH of the other day.

I’m sick of telling the people closest to me that I am having a bad day. They don’t understand. I don’t blame them for that. How the hell can they understand if they have never been through it. I’m sick of random people in the crowd coming up to me and asking, “Wow, what happened to your arm?” I wish I could just tell them the truth. “Well actually, I sit cigarette after cigarette on it and wait until they go out.” Instead I just say that I splashed myself with cooking oil. What a load of crock!

Stop! I wanna go home. Take off this uniform and leave the show.